depression

I hate it so fucking much. Anyone here struggled with this?

I'm on maximum doses of Zoloft and Wellbutrin and yet every fucking day it still feels like I'm walking around w/ my head stuck in a vice.

I've given up on therapy and medication as cures. I'll stay on these pills since they keep me from killing myself, but FUCK. I'm sick of the pain.

I've never experienced anything hard enough that has given me reason to seek help. Although, I'm sure I could benefit from some type of therapy. Usually, though, I'm quick to write my depressive thoughts as normal to any person. I'm also quick to rationalize them as being normal, everyday occurrences for everyone . . . and what I feel is not even close to what real depression is (whatever that is supposed to mean).

But I go through little existential fits of depression every now and then. And I typically hole myself up and shut off all contact with the outside world for a good period of time and stick to books or sleeping.

Soup, I hope you feel better.

I've never gotten very sad when depressed, which sometimes I feel like would be a nice change--sadness at least is there. It just feels like something utterly horrific and devastating has always just happened, the gut-wrenching feeling of dread. Impending doom.

ugh

sorry to hear bout your troubles there SIG...here is to a better health...can't say i've ever experienced depression - i went through some shitty times in life but there was always a glimpse of hope that i tried to cling on to...

I get stressed and sad and down and angry but i've only been REALLY depressed once in my life and I STILL don't know what caused it or why it stopped.

SiG's description seems to fit, although I never sought help, so I don't know about the meds aspect. At the time, I just felt like there was something wrong in the pit of my stomach... but it wasn't a physical thing. Like it wasn't REALLY in my stomach... Not a stomach ache or the flu or something... It was all in my head. It was like the feeling you get when you ride a roller coaster and your insides get thrown about and your body is trying to hold you together but your mind knows that its all hopeless. The mind thinks that your body is Fucked up beyond repair and YOU can do nothing to stop it. Your mind knows its helpless and its FREAKS the fuck out and your emotions go haywire and your nerves get shot... eyes and ears were BEYOND sensitive so it felt like I had headaches/migraines. And trying to talk about it made me feel SO helpless and broken, like a faulty person, that I couldn't help but sob. The bitch was that I felt terrible physically but it wasn't until someone wanted to talk about it that I felt bad emotionally and broke down. I guess it doesn't make any sense really but thats the I feel about depression and my one experience with it.

At the time I was age 10,11, or 12 so in hindsight I blame puberty/hormones as well as the standard minor family issues like school, siblings, parents fighting about money, etc.

Depression is the reason I joined PD in the first place.

I'm pretty sure it started my senior year of college. I had rough classes and I was only seeing Nash and family every other weekend or so and it was rough. The stress and lonliness got to me when I graduated. I had to move to Angola, IN and the only people I knew up there were my godparents (who I was living with). I drove the 3 hours to Indy every "weekend" to see Nash and family, but it wasn't enough.
I felt alone in the world. I wanted to be close to everyone that I knew. I would cry after talking to Nash on the phone...sometimes during phone calls too.

Then Nash and I finally moved in together, but all I had in Ft. Wayne was work friends and him. Then I had the stress of working at this new job, moving, and planning a wedding. Again...the stress got to me. I would find myself walking to an animal enclosure to work and think "I wonder what would happen if this tree just fell and crushed me...would anyone care?" I wouldn't have suicidal thoughts, but just wondering, sometimes slightly hoping, that there would be an accident and I would die. At home I would snap at Nash for no reason, then break down and cry. I would feel lost and alone when he went to work. I would mope more than usual. I got migraines and couldn't get enough sleep no matter how much I slept.

It was a dark time in my life. Then the wedding and honeymoon happened and I got over it...for now. I'm finding myself crying more and having lonely thoughts again...even though I've become closer to my co-workers and have made some friends outside of work. I'm going to try and find a doctor up here in Ft. Wayne and talk about my options. I know the root of my problem is that I don't make friends easily and I've always been introverted...so I just don't know how much anti-depressants will help with my situation...I don't know.

Definitely nice to talk about it. Thanks sig...I thought I was the only one...

Also...all of you have helped immensely, whether you realize it or not.

So thank you! It helps to just count and talk at any time of the day.

Thanks for being great friends!

Ms. Piggy,

I am a bit confused. How are you posting while having a big party and preparing to clean up shortly after said party?

Awww - I like Ms Piggy!!!

As for this thread, I have many friends and family who have depression problems.

Also I am really not ready to talk about it, but I had one of my students (I was an RA last yaer) attempt suicide. Talk about a mess, I could not sleep for a week. I kept blaming myself. I still do, even though I know it was her choice.

I have had my fair of issues, but I guess my solution is to just keep myself busy. I have a special medication I take for a skin disease I have, and it kind of made me depressed, but it never made me to crazy.

I stopped taking it on my own, but honestly I still have those days where things just don't feel right. I have had more lately since I am in a job that pays well but that is not my "dream" job.

I guess the way I copy is by staying over busy. I am working on getting my web-site up for now, and my sister (who is mentally challeenged but amazing in every way a sister can be) actually really wants to help me with the designing of my logos. I am also studying for the lsat while woring 50 hours this week and porbably more next. I also have been working on these 2 movies, but the one I am acting in I literally am never available on shoot dates and the other one my partner is literally doing everything and does not want any assistance. Like I said in another thread, life lessons on contracts and partnerships.

I am not sure if that is the right thing for you, but I think as long as you can admit things arent always great but they look better then you are on the right path.

It is great to heat you guys open up. It is weird, I barely know some of you but this place already feels more like home then some other forums I used to visit on a regular basis.

vapacersfan wrote:
It is great to heat you guys open up. It is weird, I barely know some of you but this place already feels more like home then some other forums I used to visit on a regular basis.

I know what you mean VA. I barely know you and most of the others, but I love talking to you all. When I get really down I just hop on here and read and write posts and it takes my mind off of dark thoughts and feelings. That and I feel like I'm a part of a group of community which is really great!

So you guys have helped more than you know! Thanks

*hear

I guess my space heater is getting to my head today. It is feezing here in DC! This weather is nasty. I miss sunny Jackosnville

I do that a lot too ms piggy. I don't want to kill myself anymore (though I pretty much crave to off meds) but I find myself thinking I'd be OK w/ just dropping dead from sudden cardiac arrest or something.

I don't know why I am depressed. I've had it for a very long time, and I think it's just something wrong w/ how my brain is wired. TA described it very well - it's like a constant physical dread, it makes you want to vomit. Even when I'm happy, the dread is always there.

I'm trying to just accept this as part of my life. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to has indicated that this will probably be a lifelong thing. Which blows. I've stopped talking to friends or family about it because I'm just sick of the pity.

My mom had depression when she went through menopause. I went to her about my problems and she said it sounded like her symptoms. I kind of self-diagnosed myself through her symptoms and looking up depression symptoms online. Plus the only way I could describe how I was feeling was "depressed", so that kind of tipped me off. I never had the dread, just the constant loneliness and feeling insignificant...even when I was at a party listening to people talk and laugh around me.

It really is nice to talk to someone that has been (or is) going through what you are. So thanks for starting this thread. I always feel like I'm repeating myself to Nash and recently TA, so I almost feel bad for talking about it.

sig wrote:I hate it so fucking much. Anyone here struggled with this?

I'm on maximum doses of Zoloft and Wellbutrin and yet every fucking day it still feels like I'm walking around w/ my head stuck in a vice.

I've given up on therapy and medication as cures. I'll stay on these pills since they keep me from killing myself, but FUCK. I'm sick of the pain.

Hey soup...

As you know I'm in the Indy area, and we are a similar age. I've never had to seek help for what I would call depressed feelings, but sometimes I do get down like everyone else.

I know how valuable during these times someone to just rant and fucking rave to can be. If you need someone like that, shoot me a PM, and I'll give you my cell #, and fucking drop whatever I'm doing to meet up for coffee or whatever.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THE PERSON YOU MUST LIVE FOR IS YOURSELF. There's always a reason to get out of bed, always a reason to keep moving. Don't ever give up. We've been blessed with this crazy, fucked up adventure called life, but ya know what in the end, we're all miracles. A 1 in 6 billion chance of occurring and that makes your life incredibly valuable. Please SIG if you ever are really down call me, I will leave work, I will leave whatever and just come listen and talk if you need someone.

Don't forget I made this offer...

Joe

I don't live in Indy and I can't drop work, but if you're feeling really down, you can talk to me too, Soup.

I understand how rough it can be sometimes and I would love to meet you and hang out if you were up to it! I'm sure Nash would too.

Heck, I'm ALWAYS up for a good chat... of course, I don't live in Indy and I can't really take off work but good thing is if you REALLY need me I can convince my partner and dispatcher that we need to take the Ambulance to [wherever you are] RIGHT NOW!

But seriously I've been in a 'funk' for a few months this year so I started trying to make new friends, do new things, and meet new people (even if I won't like them). Its helped a lot so far and I'd like to extend the offer to YOU fine folks... so ANYONE can send me a PM, add me on Facebook, or whatever and we can arrange a get together, exchange numbers, go skydiving (its $200/person) and whatnot. That goes for anybody here.

sig, you ready for a visit out west, my boy?

I'll post a good long life story that I think you can relate to when InFullPursuit goes live.

In the mean time, get your ass ready for better climes, K? Just buy a ticket and I'll do the rest.

I am sure I have said this before, but I will say it again.

If any one you are in the DC area (not sure why you would be, lol I kid I kid) shoot me a PM or send me a email. I will gladly go out and grab a drink or just sit down and talk.

I can not offer the good times LA can offer (darn left coast ) but I am serious when I say that. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you want to just chat/grab a bite to eat if you are ever in the area.

All my years in litigation and I have never EVER worked a job in DC. What are the odds?

Los Angeles wrote:All my years in litigation and I have never EVER worked a job in DC. What are the odds?

You did not miss much.......

Let me stop. I am sure there are people who enjoy this area. I am also sure they are drunk, high, and dead..........:p

One of my best friends lives in DC and wants me to come out there sometime for a visit. If this happens, Nash and I will let you know VA!

Los Angeles wrote:sig, you ready for a visit out west, my boy?

I'll post a good long life story that I think you can relate to when InFullPursuit goes live.

In the mean time, get your ass ready for better climes, K? Just buy a ticket and I'll do the rest.

Honestly, I think we should all go visit LA. Then once we pick him up, we head from there to Budapest and go see what the hell belli is up to.

You're all welcome, just bring a sleeping bag, cause space is limited in the big city.

Thanks guys

I'm feeling a little better now. I sort of took a step back and re-committed to fully enjoying my leisure time, to hanging out with friends. [Spent the weekend at my best bud's house.] I have a tendency to get overabsorbed in my creative work, and sometimes I don't give myself the time to socialize, have fun, and re-charge. . .

I just have to stay focused! If I concentrate hard enough on the things I love usually the positive force of that > the negative force of the depression. It's when my focus becomes scattered that the pain really becomes agonizing.